Art and Thoughts in light of my experience with
I am a mess! This last week my chronic fatigue has returned and with it comes a depressed mood, lack of motivation, irritability and laziness. I feel disturbed, Oh to somehow get away from myself, to escape and find some pleasure. I'm so vulnerable to temptation and i'm finding myself flirting with the enemy, seeing how close I can get to the edge; just a sniff, a little taste. I know the truth, but it seems to hold no weight; I just don't care, though I know what I desire would only bring a moment of pleasure and long-term consequences, somehow it seems worth it. It's like I'm so hungry that even though I know that the cake is full of poison, I just cannot wait, I must put a end to my hunger. I know the reason I'm so vulnerable to the flesh is because I'm so unsatisfied and disconnected with God, but I do not know how to change this, I am cold and numb and I'm almost unwilling to pray for help, because as I look back He never seems to help me in these times, well, I suppose he offers a hand up after I crash and burn, He is faithful to pull me out of the ashes.
My times of weakness
seem like an army from
hell hacking on my self-control non-stop, I feel hopeless until God comes through for me. But I am not finding any grace in my weakness and my spirit is asleep. I feel alone, like He is waiting for me to succeed in my own strength and I am never strong enough. I fear I will always be temptations prey until He is merciful and fills me with His Spirit. God how do I walk in the Spirit and find your strength in my weakness? Oh, I hate being so vulnerable, I have no backbone, I give in to the slightest temptation. How long Oh Lord? I feel I am being held by one rope, and yet I want to fall into sin, so I begin to consider cutting it. I know the pleasure of sin is only for a season and then I will be its miserable slave, but stupidity can become so overwhelming, that somehow a little pleasure can seem worth it, though hell comes with it. It's horrible. Why does God make everything so hard for me? Why do my trials have to effect my mind, heart and will? This seems to give the enemy an unfair advantage. It is like the enemy first ties up my mind and will and then it has free rein to rob everything meaningful to me, and fill my heart with trash. It's no fair, how can I pass this
test, when
my hands
are tied
and I have
no weap-
ons? It is
no freak-
ing fair.
It is hard for the two of us to co-exist
In this little room, you've always been biggest
And your vague temptations linger in me like a bad emotion
I won't play my rock music when my mama's in the room
likewise while you are here I can't do the spiritual things I want to
When the flesh lust against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh
we don't do what we wish, Paul said this
But he also said to crucify it with its passions and desires
speaking of a genuine end to them, But the only end I find within
Is a momentary sin, by means of appeasing and giving in
which is not an end at all
The passions and desires of the flesh
Are like a powerful, weighty, mighty presence
In the room at all time and it affecting how I feel
What I can do and what I am will to
I know you are there and I can't be at ease until you are gone
Just like when someone is in my house
I am not comfortable going in to a corner and writing myself a song
I am to conscientious
I want to get on with my life
But I don't know how while you are here
Oh how do I kill you?
What a stupid question, you would never tell me
You always say "Give me what I want and i'll leave"
So I do, but you come back in two weeks
And then you say "give me what I want and i'll leave
So I do, but you come back in two weeks
But it is this or you will not leave
And you plague me the next two weeks
Which is not an end at all
I do not 'feel' like I am being disobedient or rebellious when I have sinned lately. I have been doing horrible recently in every way; eating to much, buying to much music, getting to absorbed in the news, and seeking to fulfill the lust of the eyes. The thou shalt nots sort of seem like speed limits when I drive. I use to have a strong conviction and always obeyed them, but now that conviction has eroded away and I cannot help but speed and I don't feel bad about it and I'm unwilling to try to talk myself out of it.
If my parents told me not to do something or my leaders in New Orleans instructed me, I would not disobey them. I respect my authority figures and I don't naturally feel a desire to rebel, and yet God is not real enough to me for His authority to have the same weight on my soul. I cannot get it to sink in that my sin is rebellion and that He is grieved by it. If God does not give me that revelation and in his mercy gives me some fear of God, then I am hopeless. I sometimes care, but half of the time I don't, and there is not even a whisper of truth in me, not even the faintest willingness to fight temptation. What I need to live godly is absent in my life and I don't have anywhere else to turn to. I don't know what to do, is there no salvation from self? I am forced to wonder.
I've prayed, I've begged, I've wept, I've been diligent and disciplined at times in my life, I've been prayed over, I've heard prophecies over me, I've gone up to the alter, but still He has yet to save me from myself. And now I don't know what to do, I am totally confused. 7 years of seeking God and I still have yet found what I am looking for. What I want is freedom from myself and liberty to do what He commands, that He would write His laws on my heart and give me the fear of God, Oh that He would give me grace and power and fill me with His Holy Spirit. How can I share the gospel and tell others there is freedom? It crushes me to bring these things up, Oh Lord how long?
Its unnerving that the Old Testament had no sacrifice for presumptuous sin and then in the new testament we have things like “If you deliberately sin after receiving the truth, there is no more sacrifice for sin, having crucified Christ afresh.” and Paul saying “Don't let anyone deceive you, no impure person will have any inheritance in the kingdom of God” and John said, “The cowardly will have their part in the lake of fire” Yeah, sometimes these parts of the bible are like ink bloating out all the happy stuff in scripture I once believed, and I find the positive stuff is difficult to swallow with confidence as a result. Even though I've made sense of them in the past and God has confirmed my salvation, some reason all this has been voided and I must start over.
The snake has its fangs in the heart, and its venom has poisoned and taken control of the whole man; traveling all over the body, affecting the eyes, ears, feet, etc... The heart represents the desires, emotion, thoughts and will. Because the enemy poisons the heart, the man is like a puppet in his hands. The man sees the temptation and tries to flee from it, but it follows him as he runs. The broken clock shows how it seems there is no end to it; once the chase starts, it continues until he is worn down and gives in. On the left side of the wall is people, yet since he cannot think clearly or care, he is running the other way, and is about to hit a wall (The desert) which represents trying to deal with it alone. All this is to point out the need to seek others help: it may be the only way out. To somehow seek people at the outset, before the mind, will and emotions are taken captive and are under the influence of desire.
