It is so hard for me to see the power of prayer. I want to think of prayer like sharing my wants and desires with a friend on earth, who merely listens but cannot do anything about it. This would be safe.
God will only do what is the highest and best. It's all so situational, 99% of the time, the scriptural revealed will of God is like a square block and God's hidden mysterious will is like a triangle hole. No matter our effort, it will not fit. Though God loudly proclaims He strongly desires what we ask Him for, we seem to overlook the fact that He will not do it until the perfect time and under the right conditions. This is the aspect of ways that are higher then ours and we are hopeless to ever know it.
Prayer is like being at a carnival and standing behind the line and throwing the bean bags thru the holes in the board for prizes. God's 'mysterious will' is like the smallest hole at the top of the plywood and the chances of us ever actually making into it are so slim, so most of our prayers are just going to bounce off and fall to the floor. We can spend countless hours trying and never make it in once. It is easy to give up after a while.
God you have so many conditions, it seems we could never meet them all, but I guess it is not loving to help us until we meet the right ones. You believe in tough love, so I must be content with waiting, living in defeat, falling over and over and seeing lives of those I love go to pot.
One thing I got to see is I am entitled to crap; I deserve nothing, God is not obligated to give me squat And yet Lord you do not have a shortage of power; your pocket book does not feel strane when You give us grace. God you have enough for everyone and then some... an infinite sum. Oh God why do you have to be so proper?
Oh Lord to me it seems prayer does not move You; You are going to do what you are going to do, whether we pray or not. I know this is not scriptural at all, but it is still my experience and whether or not it is bull-crap, these are the eyes that evolved from how I've seen and experienced things through out life; I see everything through them. I don't know how to gouge them out, I need surgry, I need a new perspective: a new set of lenses.
When I pray for things I cannot expect anything unless I have the supernatural intuitive "knowing" in me. This has only happened a few times in my life and those prayers where always answered. I guess I by chance got to be in the right place at the right time and was praying for something that was part of God's hidden will. It was not my great faith, it just happened that God showed me something He was about to do and allowed me to get to be part of it. These were special times, but I could count them on one Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's hand.
Prayer is like shooting arrows with a blindfold or during a pitch-black moonless night, the chances of us even hitting the target is SO small. God will not answer or respond even if we hit the target, no, we must hit the bullseye. A couple of times in my life, God's removed the blindfold and turned the lights on and I've made precision hits. But for reasons unknown to me, God's speedily tied the blindfold back on me and blotted out my sun. I guess if God wants me to shoot in the dark I must continue, the problem is some of the arrows are going up and fall down; piercing my mind, poisoning my hope, crushing my faith, causing me to bleed frustration, disillusionment, disappointment and cynical feelings. No wonder prayer is so difficult for me.
