The Exception

if it works for 99.9% of the people, then i am that .01%
I am the gray in a black and white world
I am in FM and the Church is on AM
And I just cannot seem to pick up their fequency

If it works for you, then it will not work for me
I am the exception to the rule
I am the black sheep in a world of white ones
And I thank God I am the minority

We are the homeless, we are the addicts
Who desperately look for answers
But the ones that are offered
Are like clouds without any water
To a desperate farmer hoping for rain

'Over Confident'

There is someone over confident
And that someones in my head
Yet he is growing kind of worried
And wonders if he should play dead

Cause nothing has ever worked out
The way that he had planned
I wondered if he would learn that
And now it is clear he has
For he's grown cold

Now there is no one over confident
Speaking hope in my head
That someone grow discourage
And is now playing dead

For nothing ever worked out
The way that he had planned
Now his only expectation
Is for things to return to bad
and then to worse
There is someone over confident
Speaking death in my head
He sure things will go on
Like they like they always have

Yet he could be wrong
God could do something new
My past experience
Does not dictate what He can do
So I am somewhere in the middle
Stuck between these two
I want to hope yet at the same time
I can't help but fear
That my hopes will be
dashed and crushed
Like the thousand times before
that I hoped the change would last
but It never ever has,
no it never ever has
But that does not mean
it never ever will

These Times Too Shell Pass

Terrified of having to say a word
The circle is coming around to me, I am afraid Iíll have to speak
But may mind is one empty, for my heart is out of fuel
I turn the key-cough, cough it wonít start up

This time too shell pass
Tomorrow will finally come
Today will have seemed like a puff of smoke
That is easily forgotten

When I play chess and I just try to defend
I am always slaughtered, this goes without question
Now my flesh is on the offense and I am just trying to survive
I have so few pieces left, how long can I stay alive? 

This time too shell pass
Tomorrow will finally come
Today will have seemed like a puff of smoke
That is easily forgotten

Once I was so accustomed to living in my house
But a fire began to rage and it burned up everything
Now I have already forgotten what it was like before
All I know is the wind, the rain, the heat and the cold

These times too shell pass
And the Tomorrow will finally come
And these days will have seemed like a puff of smoke
That is easily forgotten

Your will for me is sanctification
Your will for me is that I am conformed to the image of Your Son
Your will for me is that I am rejoicing, give thanks and praying always
Your will for me is that I would be righteous
So I can be sure thatÖ

These times too shell pass
And the Tomorrow will finally come
And these days will have seemed like a puff of smoke
That is easily forgotten

when I think about yesterday it is gone
Like a vapor it is gone
I weigh it on the scale and it was nothing
It is gone
This day will be gone
This week will be gone
This month will be gone
This life will be gone
It will all be gone
So gone, gone, gone....

And these times too shell pass
The the tomorrow will finally come
And these days will have seemed like a puff of smoke
That is quickly forgotten
Ankle Deep

Lovely are your ways O Lord
You are wonderful
So why must my mind be
numb through the day?
Iíam spiritually ADD

I cant focus for the life of me
Like a man channel surfing on the TV
My mind drifts continually
Lord why must this be?

Everyday when I am working and busy
O Lord when I am free and fatigued

I find my depths are only ankle deep
Not near enough to drown the enemy
My Wisdom is like a house
My desires are the fire that burns it to the ground

My Knowledge is like a knife
My flesh is like a mighty two-edged sword
My Love is like dry wood,
My fatigue is like the match by which it is consumed

I want to move from chapter 7, to Romans 8
For I have been singing this same old song too long that;
I dont do what I want to do, and I do what I hate

When the wine flows freely,
And the girls come easy
men are satisfied
Men are satisfied with this

When things are going smoothly
And they are earning lots of money
men are satisfied,
men are are satisfied with this

But as for me I will see your Face in righteousness
As for me I will be satisfied when I wake up in Your likeness

The pursuit of riches
To die with the most toys
men are satisfied
Men are satisfied with this

To leave their wealth
To their greedy children
Men are satisfied
Men are satisfied with this

But as for me I will see your Face in righteousness
As for me I will be satisfied when I wake up in Your likeness

AS for me to live is Christ
And to die is gain
AS for me, I rather be with You
Then on this earth
As for me, you are my treasure
You are my life
As for me, You are my abundance
You are my inheritance

As for me I will see your Face in righteousness
As for me I will be satisfied when I wake up in Your likeness

While I felt strong I tried to build a wall
It kept me safe, though I could hear the enemy taunt
But I grew tired of my captivity
So I began to tear it down, one brick at a time
One compromise and it all fell to the ground

And now I am wondering, having been trampled by my enemy
Why would I tear down what protected me
And I am standing here, having been robed of everything
I treasured in my heart, because I longed for freedom

Freedom To look with hollow eyes at that which cannot satisfy
Freedom to let my heart be numbed, making my mind like tomb
So my flesh could be free to do what it wants to and feast
At the cost of Your time, at the cost of peace, at the cost joy and liberty And communion with You

And now I am wondering, having been trampled by my enemy
Why would I tear down what protected me
I am standing here, having been robbed of everything
I treasured in my heart, because I longed for freedom

Freedom to just exist like an animal,
to just live and go by how I feel
Freedom to remove these chains, which bind my flesh
So it can be released and do what it pleases and feast
At the cost of time, at the cost of peace, at the cost joy and liberty
And communion with You

I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
Only then do I have liberty to do what truly makes me happy
I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
Only then can I walk with You and be filled with Your fullness

I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
For freedom to indulge in sin only brings hell on earth within
I want to be a slave again, a slave to righteousness
the life you give is worth the chains, it is worth the chains
Like a vine it wraps around my mind
And goes down and surrounds my lungs
And suffocates

It is so hard to breath
As I think about what I have become
How my soul is in regression

My neck is tensing
The pressure is building
Trying to force out a tear

I gasp for air as I try to capture what I feel
But I cannot find a way to describe the pain
of watching the good I was slowly eroding away
And seeing my soul corroding with what I hate

Am I justified in Your eyes?
Do You see me in Christ as sanctified?
Am I already glorified in Your sight?

Or have you delivered me over to my sin
To forever be a slave to it?
Am I now Your enemy?
Are you through with me?

I am being fed contradictions in Your word
And I do not know which one to believe
I am left to assuming what I should think
And it leaves me with no peace

I need to know what you think and feel about me
I need to know what is reality
Everyone seems to have a piece
And they claim it is the whole

But I'm still here, sorting the pieces
Separating the black from the white
still I cannot make out a picture
My faith is blind
I must stumble on
waiting for my sight

The memory of what I lost
Is a mirage in my mind
saying here I am,
I am right in front of you.
My hands keep feeling,
Finding empty space.
Why do I keep seeing these
Peices that fill this hole?
Like a carrot in front of my nose
That I know I cannot get to.
How do I burn these photos
That are trapped inside my mind?
I want to erase what I forgot
and left behind.
And enough with this clock
It does not work
When I turned it back
Time kept going
There is no changing past
What is done is done
Oh to get over it
and move on
Like a small fish caught
and thrown back fifty times
Longing for another taste
I swallow the bait

Like Edmon in that far away land,
I am offered a Turkish delight and
I go with the white witch again

I am like gasoline,  perfectly fine alone
But until I evaporate, one little spark
And I cannot stay composed
In your A-1 world I am Z-26
I will never make it on your list

You shut your trap around my Achilles heel
And I don't know how to escape

You will not stop your acid test
Tell all my knowledge is decomposed
And I am left with nothing

You make a mountain out of a mull hill
And from where you stand
I look like an ant at the bottom

Your words rain down like cats and dogs
And I am tripping on the bodies

You are the worm in the apple of my eye
Now I'm rotten to the core
And I am going blind
"Twenty Pieces"

I only have twenty pieces
of a 20,000 piece puzzle
Yet I am driven to put it together
Still trying to make out a picture

From what I see I am making conclusions
From what I see i am making assumptions

These conclusions direct my life
And determine my state of being
These assumptions effect my mood
And determine who will be

I am so sure I am right
I know I must be right
and you cannot stop me
from seeing what I see
From feeling what I feel

Except You
Lord shine through

Why must I kiss the feet
Why must I bow down
Why must I loyally serve myself?
I am the king of fools
An idiot hedonist
trying the same things
hoping for different results

I want to rebel
Oh to rebel

But my words fall like bricks from my lips
And on them I trip
My commitments are like pride,
They come right before I fall

Oh why do I climb a mountain
Why do I swim the ocean
Why do I pay such a high price
For something that is fleeting
that rings so empty
that never satisfies?
I sell my soul for a bowl of pottage
And then I sit and wonder
"heck, it did not even taste that good"
What was I thinking?
I was not thinking

For the memory of reality
Never comes to me till the deed is done;
As an after thought, as in horror I watch
As my city burns to the ground.
Ostracized from never-never-land
By those who came in without permission
Through the tunnel of my vision
Redecorating my room
Setting things straight
Dictating what I am to think
Like bread digested
They're marrow within
and muscle outlaying
involved in every move
I am making

Oh the bliss of blindness
Mysterious world my own design
But my nine days' wonder is over
Frozen deep within the past
Oh I don't want to paddle my canoe
Not in this world I now know

My melancholy complexion
Bleeds ink into my pen
Facing the music, causes me to sing
As Rome's bright complexion sets into evening

Sorry I am so lackadaisical
I guess I've been hanging out with the fifth column
My lame duck status puts me in jeopardy
Here in the south you have the right to shoot me
"Cold Shoulder"

How bought some sunshine
For Your cold shoulder
Your conspiracy of silence
Seems to me a mere claptrap

I guess I need another chip to
Balance out my shoulders
I'll continue to chivvy
While my chickens come home to roost

Am I coming to You with a cupboard love?
I selfishly want You to save me from myself
Precisely cause I am so freaking selfish
So I am coming to You with a cupboard love

I've cooked my goose and I cooked it again
My chances at success are
zero to a hundred and ten

Yet You just keep playing possum
And over You I'm tripping
I want my pound of flesh
but you ain't listening

It seems my weakness
Is as plain as a pikestaff
I've gone from pillar to post now
Trying to make You see this
"One glance"

One glace
Just turn Your head my way
Clear Your throat
And I will tremble
Like a poodle that has
just been paddled

And my point of view
Will be dulled and closed shut
And my perspective
Will be turned to ashes

My doubt evaporates
like the dew in the morning sun
When You look my way

You pursue me with a passionate love
Though You stay in the shadows
Disappearing like a ninja
So it will still require faith

You pursue me with a passionate love
Though the songs I am repeating
is one of lonely love sick singing
Cause it still requires faith

You pursue me with a passionate love
Though it requires blind faith
Believe You are when we see You are not

I believe you are doing far more
then I could ever know
You are one step ahead of me
while I am falling down
Yet already on the ground
to pick me up again
"Ps and Qs"

Not only are they hard to mind
My Ps and Qs are hard to find
I get them confused with my Bs and Us
And to my shame, my 3s and 2s

But I don't meander around my moments of truth
Like mealy-mouthed men with all their honey talk
No, I am mesmerized by this melodramatic moron
I am so mercurial that I've insured my meeting with waterloo

But could these moments of truth be crying wolf?
Have I made an elephant out of a fly?

Oh but I don't want to make a mountain
out to be a mere moll hill
If it's really all mumbo jumbo,
please somehow let me know
"Bad Feeling"

I have a bad feeling about something
But that somethings still is a nothing
Different situations pass through my head
like actors interviewed for various parts
But none seem right, none quite fit the bill

An alarm calls out from the darkness
My peace has been unhinged
Oh where is that rattle coming from?
Where is the source of that beep?
Oh turn it off! Please

I am entagled like cotton among thorns
I'm uneasy like a worm in a beak
I'm restless like a boy before a shot
I cant find anything broken
Yet I feel I must fix it

Oh wait, I think I can fit this triangle
In this rectangle feeling
My emotion is putting meat on these bones
I'll make that nothing into something
I'll give myself something to cry about

"Paint The Town Red"

They go out and paint the town red
And tell me about their volunteer work
My response is like puzzle pieces spilled on the floor
So I smile and sweep it all under the rug

They share their gospel
Why won't I share mine?
It just seems my kingdom
Would be to them so foreign

Like trying to explain
something complexed to a small child
I cannot just blurt out all I know
But must choose my words wisely

but like finding a small screw in fallen leaves after midnight
Is what it would take to find the words I should speak
And I don't want to get on my knees

How many times have I groped about, everything a blur
feeling every surface for my other par of eyes
Sick of the fact I forgot where I placed them again

My clarity of thought is lost
in this fog that lingers through my day
So we just talk about food, smile
And bid each other a good day and leave
Thank You for not Responding
Thank You for being so withdrawn
Thank You for keeping Your Spirit from me
Thank You for Your cold shoulder
Thank You for taking so long
Thank You for not opening my eyes
Thank You for my miserable dependency
Thank You for leaving me defeated
Thank You for playing hard to get
Thank You for being so silent
Thank You for not hearing me
Thank For leaving me in my need

For one day in hindsight this will be a cause of rejoicing
Though so hard to accept now and the cause of my misery
One day it will show the beauty of Your Character

Thank You for being so reluctant to help
Thank You for keeping me in the dark
Thank You for not giving me understanding
Thank You for making me like water and your word like oil
Thank You for not healing me
Thank You for not giving me strength
Thank You for withholding You grace
Thank You for not writing Your laws on my heart
Thank You for not changing my moods
Thank You for not delivering me
Thank You for not helping those I love
Thank You for not bringing in the new
Thank You for letting me go to pot

One day I'll see Your wisdom
One day I'll see You knew what You were doing
One day I'll see you did what was highest
One day I'll understand Your love

While in this nightmare I push the snooze button
One day I'll wake up and once again have affection for You
During this darkness, this waiting to be saved from myself
Lord You keep me, Lord You have not let me go
"The Devils in the Details"

Six of one, a half-dozen of the other
But the bigger they are the harder they fall
And the devil is in the details killing
chicks before they hatch
The skeletons in my closet are yelling out
"it is sink or swim"
But I am dragging my feet and loosing skin
I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black
Demanding the ball be in my court before I'll act 

The turning of events
Brought me back to the drawing board
To make a sketch of future times
And ponder what my response should be

By the cover I can't judge a book
But the picture speaks a thousand words
Assumptions write epics
Emotions believe them to be reality

Should we stock pile Eve's downfall
Because the apple cart will be upset?
Shell we be Gods provision for the
Worms, bacteria, mold and maggots?

Emphasize a different set of words in a common verse
And the old meaning once embraced, will be swallowed whole

We want it to be now and we push facts it until they fit
This continues until we're so confident that this year is it

Best selling "88 reasons why the rapture may be in 1988"
Had a squeal that was equally misconstrued
And yet it sold copies, it sold copies too

We see what we want, and we brush aside what contradicts
Creating a reality that fully sways all we believe
"you Need Fuel To Get To A Gas Station"

Lord I am waiting for You to see
That I am like a tree planted in a pot
Put in a house that is abandon

So I look like winter
Though it is spring outside
I feel I'm left here to die
Why do You forsake me?

Your Word has been like ink
That makes it hard to drink
What once brought life to me
For its not clear what I can believe
I could be deceived

I am no longer Sure
I can no longer Know
There is a fork in the road
And no sign saying where to go

You need fuel to get to a gas station
At least a spark to start a fire
But I am here stranded in a wasteland
And I am shivering in the night

Lord what I wanted was salvation
Freedom from myself
I had nowhere else to turn to
You were my only hope

But freedom lost a leg
Liberty fell along the way
The sugar was left out of the brownies
And the salt left out of the eggs

But Lord I have nowhere else to turn to
You are my only hope
So Lord I ask you restore my trust
Please save me from myself
"Back Into The Frying Pan"

Either I am on a treadmill
Or I am sitting in a chair
Either I am running in circles
Or I am lying in my room

Both successfully blast me nowhere
So I exist here yet another day

Wearing out my welcome
Old fish begin stink
Fiddling thumbs tell they break
These idle muscles begin to ache

Every prison break has failed
Yet I keep pacing in this cell
feeling for a loose brick in the wall
It's kept me busy several years now

So Lord here I must wait
I am not sure what to think

I am stuck between bad or worse
I am wishing for an alternative
I guess I'll climb back into the frying pan
It seems better then being engulfed in flames

Yet I am not sure which one is worse
"Wet Blanket"

Oh conclusions so bleek and down
You come over me like a wet blanket
I cannot deny you, you seem so true
You showed me how the devils in the details
Making my every good intention go belly up

Yet could you be the one who is closing the blinds?
Maybe you are not as pure as the wind driven snow
Could you be the bars surrounding my bed?
Maybe you are the cat that has my tongue

You are an illusion and yet in me you find meat and bones
You fill me like a glove, strike a bell and it all rings so true
Oh it seems no use trying to deny you

Oh conclusions so bleek and down
You come over me like a wet blanket
I cannot deny you, you seem so true
You've shown me how I am a puppet
And there is no use trying to pull against the strings

You are an illusion, but you strangle-hold
my resistences like a vice
How can a mirage of a mounster swallow me whole?
Oh it seems so hard to deny you

Oh But you are an illusion and I am the Lords
He loves me and he has freed me from you!
you have no rights other then what I give you
So get away from me! lies... lies...
May I be your wet blanket
May I be the hands around your throat!
Oh Lord my God I hope in You
Oh Lord I put my trust in You
Oh Lord my God I look to You
Oh Lord I wait on You

Though it seems like make-believe
Like I am writing fiction
To go on about Your intimate love
When I don't sense a thing

Though it seems like fiction
Like a world of make-believe
To say the world is filled with light
When darkness surrounds me

Oh but You are here
Though I cannot get that reality
To sink within me

You are there for me
Though my past-disappointment
Tryings to suffocate this belief

Lord you care about me
Though my experience
Differs 180 degrees
Lord I guess I am not overjoyed about being born in the mist of a war
Where Satan seems to have the upper hand and all looks dark and black

Yet in the end you will get the victory
And You are with us in this war torn world
Winning battles, healing wounds
Fulfilling our dreams using nightmares

You are our light in this dark, dark world
And you give us peace and hope
And you even fill our hearts with gladness
So even in the meantime You are victorious

And yet still I'm not overjoyed about being born into a war
Where the enemy seems to have the upper hand
Oh Lord we are waiting and longing for You to act

I foresee a great fire
So I'll drink another cup of water

The atom bomb falls from the blue sky
So I'll step inside for a while

The cancer is spreading
So I'll take another ibuphropen

The world is cooling
So I'll paint the sky with hairspray

I am floating like a pig
So I'll spread theses arms and fly

We would drown in the ocean
But I'll empty the sea with my tea spoon

I will put out this fire with gasoline
I am tired of messing around
I am going to come out clean

From this deck of cards I created my shelter
The heat from the back of the refrigerator
Keeps me warm and i'll swallow my spit
Less I get dehydrated

My future dictates my present
And my present regrets my past
My past reasons with my present
But my present can't change the future

But I'll try by burning the ships
But then I wonder what was the profit?
For I spend my days hating what I did
And I find myself rebuilding a ship

You can only take the horse to the stream
But you can't make him drink
But I am that horse dying from a lack of water
Though it plentifully surrounds me

So I'll grab the air and pull myself out of bed
So what exactly is this thing we call hope?
Is it some kind of longing or a written confession?
Does it result in some sort kind of action?

So what exactly is this thing we call trust?
Sure I see specific examples of it in my past
But I am talking about now, here in the present

Oh all these words I throw out without understanding
I assume I know their meaning
And make grand conclusions
creating elaborate paintings

Oh but wait, what was I thinking?
I lay here stuck, frozen
And trying to enlighten this mind
Only tighten the chains

I guess these assumptions are a sort of fuel
That dries up the moment one begins to ponder
Which in turn leaves us stranded

Maybe this ignorance is bliss
It does keep us going
But to where? An oasis or an abyss?

Analyzing cuts in pieces
Our priceless master-pieces
Oh is it worth the high cost?

Oh but our lives are falling to pieces
Should we not sort the pieces?
It does not seem unwise

Maybe if I could just get some understanding
Oh if these words could take on weight and meaning
Maybe the scale would finally lean in my direction

I hate my insights, my sermons, my teachings
I am no different, I am like the rest, I carry on and on
Proclaiming things that ring true and sounds so intelligent
But are nothing more then commends to get out of the road
to a deaf, armless, legless, drying, poverty stricken man
But should I seal my month and never again speak?
"Like A Fever"

What am I to believe?
Am I in good standing with You?
Surely Your silence
and my spiritual absence
speaks like a fever
or a stopped up nose ~sniff~

Am I in hope to believe all is fine?
Is observing the obvious to waver in my faith?
I thought when things hurt and pain abounds
that it's a sign that something is wrong

But resistance builds strength
Difficulty; perseverance
And the latter is worth the present
If we can only grin and make it

So maybe this curse is a blessing
That's what I would like to think
But there is this one loose link

See, I pushed it until it fit
And then I put a mask on it
So I could sneak it by

I did not know what else to do
I had to somehow make sense
Of Your absence and my depravity
That just goes on and on
No matter if I pray,
Even when I beg
Despite what I do

So I must push it til it fits
and put a mask on it
So I can get it by
And make sense of life
Lord did you not say that those who have faith
would do what You did and even greater things?
That you would do for us whatever we asked?
That if we have faith nothing is impossible for us?

The preacher said this is true
That God meant it then and He means it now

But to fully embrace this is like
believing the moons made out of blue cheese
These scriptures make me wonder if I am saved
So I find I tend to push them away--forgive me

But honestly what the heck am I to do?
Reality seems to scream they are wrong
And that God does what He wants despite of us
And that no measure of faith is strong enough
To pry open His hand

God seems more likely to give us a huge mansion
Luxurious cars and the finest toys
Then to write his laws on our hearts
And save us from our sin
Maybe the prosperity gospel nut jobs
Are not as wrong as I thought!

So what about signs and wonders?
What about healing power and miracles?
What about about the power that raise Jesus from the dead
That is suppose to give us dominion over sin?

Doing nothing gets us nowhere
Despite Your unconditional love
Trying gets us nowhere
For we cannot earn your grace
Praying gets us nowhere
Which leaves me wondering what else is there to do!

Oh they say we receive whatever that means
That there is nothing I can do
Because it is all of grace

But wait, but wait! I am not seeing any sign of power
Is that not a sign that somehow I must be good enough?
Oh but wait, but wait! I can't be holy without his power
So that puts me between a rock and a hard place

I lay my head against this wall called doing nothing
I then go bang my head against the wall called striving
All the while I am rotting in this prison cell called self
"The Swine"

In me I find the swine
The inability to value whats of worth
The tendency to treat the holy
as common without respect

Oh but earthly pleasures is like chronic pain
compared to the joy that You give!
Lord you know exactly how we're designed
To obey You is to find life

Lord, I must be wired wrong!
Or else why would I prefer the lesser?
The shallow over the deep?
The trite over what has meaning?

Lord You spoke the world into existence
The power to create and destroy is in your hands
No one can describe Your glory
You live in unapproachable light

And yet your gentle
Full of mercy
And tender compassion

So Lord you should be valued above all
You are worthy of my utmost
my time, my devotion, my life
this is just the reasonable sacrifice

But I am like the swine
I have walked and trampled upon Your blood
Time after time I have foolishly chosen
A bowl of pottage over my inheritance

Oh who will save me from the wretch that I am?
Thanks be to God, through Christ Lord!
But Lord how long must I wait?
until until you kill the swine within me

Fill me with your Spirit
Your grace be multiplied
The motivation, will and energy
The ability to finally prefer You over me

Lord You spoke the world into existence
The power to create and destroy is in your hands
You are worthy of my utmost
this is my reasonable sacrifice
"Game Over"

My hope set down and was patient
But after being left for weeks
It soured like milk
And now sits uneasy in me

Like the fool repeatedly suckered into
a new get rich quick scheme
So is my hope for friendship
With each wonderful person I meet

Take a retard banging his chest
Write hope on head
kick me on his rear-end
and you have a picture of me

I have them over for dinner
They have me over for tea
after that we feel uncomfortable
going beyond hello once a week

I guess we only have so many tries
And we use them up right after we meet
"initiative out of lives" I then read
on the game over screen

Oh hope why are you so hopeful!
After so many sinking feelings?
In excitement I share the good news
Which in time reminds me of the fool I am

I guess my hope is childlike
Harsh are these prods to adulthood
Oh but hope don't grow up!
Less you grow old and die!
"Say My Name"

I've been lost in my own world
Ambling the corners of my mind
But then I hear my name and
I am intently transported back to the room

Oh and then comes the question
Like a slap in the face for not paying attention
And I find myself scrambling
For a way to be convincing
In pretending I was listening
But I always end up asking
"Uh.. Now, what was that, that you were saying?

Lord say my name, ask me a question
Awake me from this dream
Pull me out from this temporal reality
Oh Lord it is where I've been living
So I have not been listening
To a thing you've been saying
Lord I am guilty

I want to move beyond the work
Move beyond the task
Beyond the to and fro
Beyond the this and that

There is more then the work
So much more then the task
More then the to and fro
More then the this and that

In the ordinary You speak
All that I see is a metaphor
of spiritual things
"Fictitious Journey Nowhere"

Only the strong one can make it
But he can't boast

Only the one who endures can pass the line
But he can't gloat in his perseverance

Only the healthy one can continue on
But he can't take pride in how
he eats and his exercise

Only those with blind faith
can carry on against all odds
And never ask questions as they just
keep swimming across the Atlantic ocean

Maybe this treadmill
This lesson in futility
This going in circles
This fictitious journey to nowhere
to nowhere

Is doing the tearing down
only for it to heal bigger
building strength
lifting weary arms so they can endure
all the while making one more healthy
Is this a funny side-effect
Of a necessary evil in me
This necessary evil around me?
Or else Lord why would you
leave me diseased?

I read you gave me all that I need
Lord this is the hardest thing for me to believe
"The Shredder"

I Once was a tree say the paper
as its pushed into the shredder
I am spoiling cries the milk
left on the counter all night long
I am getting no says the car
on the go-cart track
My blooms about to wither bewails
the flower in the Texas sun

Oh I think its time to run
Oh because the enemy draws near
So why are my feet set in concrete?
Why did I bite that piece of cheese
On that rectangle piece of wood
with the silver bar?
Why did I tag along with the children
following the music into a cave?
Why did I stick my hand in the jar
and grab that shining object?
Why did I find myself so suddenly drawn
to that sweet sticky tape?
Why did I run for the food, only to look back
and see I was locked in a cage?
Its only like I am neck deep
Surrounded by concrete
I can look around
But I can't do much else

Its only like I have no legs
And yet you command me to walk
But I lay here helpless
As they walk off

Its like I am on the outside
There is something I am missing
something is wrong
I must be out of the loop
For I can't find any strenght
When I am weak I am weak
In Christ we can do all things
so something must be wrong
Lord prove me I am wrong

Its only like I am frozen solid
In this cold environment
And I hear a Demand to be warm and soft

Its only like I am sick and lonely
And i hear you tell me
I am to be overwhelmed by joy and health...

Please rebuke my cynical heart
Prove me that I am wrong
I want to be wrong
Friendship is like a gourmet dinner
Better enjoy while it last
There is a needle for every bubble
Of joy, hope and love
Good intentions are like matches
Floating in the sea
New beginnings are like flowers
That wither when summer swallows spring

Nothing last,
its shifting sand beneath my feet
Its all temporary
there is no security

Lord what would I do
If not for You
You are my joy
You are my hope
You are my rock
I made a covenant
Does that mean anything to me
I made a contract
Why don't I feel more shame
When I break it?
Its because its not sunk it yet
My faith is still not strong enough
To make You that real

You made a covenant
You made a contract
You made a promise
When we said "I do"

And though You have been faithful
From my warped perspective
You have abandoned me
And broken your side to

And Oh this sure screws things up
And Oh must I just sit and watch
As my feet are swift to sin
And I break my promise again

And Oh this sure screws things up
And Oh why won't You write your laws on my heart
Its called the second covenant
Which you hold in front of my eyes

But you won't let me have
Why won't you let me have it?

When the law is outside of us
And contrary to our hearts
It just won't work
Lord it is You who said this!

So what now?
"A-1 World"
"Ignorance Is Bliss"
"You Are My Rock"
"The Turning of Events"
"Better Off Dead"

Why did you poke out your head?
Because now I must let you out of the beg
So she can quickly take off your head
Oh because you're better off dead

I can't have you looping in my head
Like a garble running in a wheel
That would be a taste of hell
I would be better off dead

But though your now dead, your corpses in my head
You died pointing to what you were wanting
As if to remind my messed up head
That you still can speak though you're dead

But the grave is dug and the body will soon be laid
And the dirt will cover every memory
But the tombstone will tell the story
And I'll share it others in the cemetery
Aswell as the other crosses there
That represent parts of me that no longer care
They fell for others along the way
But now their dead and there they lay
But they still have something to say
About what they learned along the way
But I look forward to the day
That there is not need to remember what they say
"Hard to keep a fire lit"

"Once the stone has stopped rolling
Its really hard to get it started again
But things are still moving
She wrote back and my heart was warmed
But once there is a few weeks of silence
I'll have to let something in me die
That will likely not be reborn

For though I'll make attempts
Its hard to keep a fire lit
Its hard to find the fuel
And to keep up the motivation to continue on
when one feels warm and the other is cold

Friendship is like eating food
No matter how much you eat today
Tomorrow once again you'll be hungry

Friendship is like keeping a fire going
No matter how many sticks thrown into day
Tomorrow they will be ashes... ashes

So though I'll make attempts
Its hard to keep a fire lit
Its hard to find the fuel
And to keep up the motivation
To continue on when one is warm and the other is cold

Some friendship needs a constant catalyst
If there is not trampoline then conversation never gets off the ground
sometimes we're both a bit like a blank screen
For today is never all that interesting
We need wood, a spark and some gasoline
To get the conversation going
And once its moving like
Its like a ball rolling down a hill"
"How things are, are rarely how they seem"

Why should I care about what it seems
What really matters is what it is

Lord I am about all dense!
So blind to how things really are in the present

To sin can seem like such a small thing
The first compromise does seem a big deal
And I confess that how things seem
Has gotten the best of me
more times then I care to admit

But in reality, no sin is small
compromise #1 is the push of the snow ball down the hill
It only gets bigger and bigger until it kills
To sin is to sell oneself into slavery
Oh that is not small thing!

But how things are, are rarely how they seem
I rarely feel anything as far as the weight of these realities
And thoughts like I am having right now
Don't go very far in protecting me

Oh God I want to be in tune with You
May the renewing of my mind actually transform me!
May it all sink past the mind into the rest of me!

For the first while it is a bit painful
For I can see the one I like getting smaller as we drift
But eventually they are out of sight
And new sites catch the eyes

The water is moving
It is always moving
And I am alone in this boat
I am in this boat alone

All interaction is in passing
No one has an anchor
Everyone is drifting
Even if someone comes on board and joins me
So I will have some lasting company
It will then be the two of us together
Waving as we watch everyone else leave

But maybe this is why we get married
To have at least one who never will leave
So that once everyone else is out of sight
I have someone other them me to look at
"outside of me"

God You live in me
This is so perplexing

Oh God you are here
Yet another truth I can't get to sink in me

I effect how you feel
This is so hard to believe

Oh God you delight in me
This I long to be able to see

But these truths have yet set me free
For they still seem outside of me
And the door is locked and I have no key
Oh but I long to have to come into me

For God You live in me
Oh Lord You are here
God I stir your emotions
Father You delight in me

Oh how I wish these were more then mere words to me
I am eager for the day they become part of me
When renewing my mind with these lovely truths
Actually transforms and sets me free

God it is quite bothersome that I still am so dense
That in any meaningful way, I still can't get your omni-presence

In heaven there will be the end of separation
No more good byes, no more "I'll never see you again"

You know its easiest to describe heaven
By explaining what it is not

In heaven there will be the end of times complications
No more clocks, no more "It's time for me to go"

You know its easiest to describe heaven
By explaining what it is not

In heaven there will be the end of lifeless conversations
No more feeling drained, no more silent awkward phone calls

You know its easiest to describe heaven
By explaining what it is not

In heaven there will be the end of misunderstandings
No more conflict no more see others though a false pretense

You know its easiest to describe heaven
By explaining what it is not

All of me is inside
But for a part that sticks itself out the window
All of me feels the blow
As the branch almost takes off my head

Though I have said "no"
A part of me has said "yes"
I said "let her go"
But a part of me said "not yet"

I did not want to stand out in the road
I wanted to stand on the side in indifference
But I was dragged out by these rebellious feet
And as they were ran over, I was ran over aswell

The child in me that is blind by ignorance
Has the determination to be my leader
He twist my arm and he gets his way
With my eyes wide open I follow him like a blind man
Into a pit, into a snare, into a ditch, into the briers, into a snare

Just like I am not concerned about
What the president eats for breakfest
likewise I should not concern myself
With whats none of my concern
But that part of me, concerns itself
With whats none of my concern
So now I am concerned about the consequences
And the discomfort that now comes to me needlessly

So yeah, I've been stuck between these two options
Running in place or going backwards
But maybe its by God's grace I stay on the treadmill
I fall off but I step back up
I slide off but I crawl back on
I get knocked off but I drag myself back up

Maybe it is Your grace that has kept me on this leash
Though keeping me from progress
Its kept me from running to far off
Getting lost and shot my a poacher

Paul said "work out your salvation with fear and trembling
For it is God who works in you to will and to do"
So maybe it is time for me believe this
Includes my messy, short lived, scattered attempts
Because this is all I got

If the back end of the treadmill is a pit that goes down to hell
Then heck, running in place is quite a wonderful thing!
Oh but I can't say that, it would contradict verse one
About my falling off and getting back on again. Hmm...

I want to be like a nose that can't handle sulfur
I want to be like teeth that can't handle what's cold
Like a rebel who stops his ears and turns his head
Like a child who is made sick just by the thought of spinach

Immorality be unnerving
Materialism turn my stomach
Filthy language put me at unease
Bad humor produce in me a frown

Lord I want to be sensitive
I want to feel shame again
I want to hate what you hate
So my heart would be one You love
A heart that can thrive in any environment
And cannot be corrupted by what surrounds
Oh God I want to hate what you hate
And I want to love what you love
A fish can only grow in accordance to the size of the tank
A tree can only grow in accordance to the size of the pot

Oh for the goldfish bowl to thrown into the river
Oh for the roots to be removed from its straight-jacket
And be clothed endless soil

Years and I'm still like water
No matter where I start
I always fall the easiest way
To the lowest parts

No matter if I go the noble way
No matter if I take others along with me
All roads lead to the same destination
All paths dead-end to the same lonesome place

This stagnant pool is getting old
Maybe I should just stop thinking

I try to pray for others
And I try to think about God
Only to blink and I find myself
Asking for what I think I am needing
Which makes my heart sink
like a par of glasses in the ocean
For I am still blind
God has yet to give me clarity
He has left me dependent and weak
And won't provide what I need

Like a boy asking his mom for a cookie
And she says no time and again
After the 20th time of asking and still no cookie
Why should he keep persisting?

But I am not asking for cookies!
I am begging God to live through me
To write His laws upon my heart
And to be my life, my will, my motivation and energy

They tell me to stop trying and start trusting
They tell me to let go and let God
I stopped trying and my life goes to pot
I let go and I fell to the depths
And yet if I try, I still get nowhere
If I hold on I am, just left hanging
So yeah I am stuck between these two options
But God has left me waiting

He is my only solutions
But it seems He is not listening
He is the only way
But He has yet removed the road blocks
He is the only truth
But He has yet let it set me free
He is the only life
But He seems reluctant to make it evident to me

Sometimes God shines upon me and I rise towards Him
Other times the water just evaporates
And all this just fades and evades my mind
Oh but one day I will no longer be like water,
And the old will disappear down the drain

I once stood upon the ground
And my eyes looked out
I saw others standing around
And I found I wanted to intercede for them
I saw purpose and meaning
And found I felt passion for my King
I saw God's kingdom was advancing
And found I wanted to be apart of it

But I tripped and fall backwards into a pit
In the mist of my headache I opened my eyes
And found the walls and the floor were mirrors
No matter where I looked I saw me
They reflected my every angle
And I was multiplied time and again
I could not open my eyes without seeing
my imperfections and frailty
I could not run, I could not hide
I could just watched as I wasted away

Eventually God would lift me out
And things would return to that first verse instantaneously
But recently I go to sleep on land and wake up in the pit
Other times I've been pushed,
A few times I've even run and dove in
God now seems slower to pull me out
He leaves me there for months
And my respites on land are very brief

The Truth shell set you free
Or may I say open the cell door
But it will not push you out
If you so choose to stay

Those who are not seeking
Do not want to find
Sharing truth is like placing a rock in front of an ant
Mindlessly they'll find a way around it

And say, Please don't confuse me with your facts
I have my find made up
To continue on is like lecturing a kid
On why he should eat his broccoli

But what about those who are seeking?
What about those who want to be free
And the truth is within and all around them
But they are still slaves?

The truth shell set you free
Or may I say open the cell door
But these chains bind us to the wall
So here Lord we stay

The truth shell set you free
But truth is like a pile of keys
You must find the right shape
Before you can be released

Sometimes we must hear it
Sometimes we must see it
Sometimes we must feel it
Sometimes it must be all the above
But it must come from a different person
In a different way

I suppose its high time that I come down
The world I created can't perpetually spin around
For one day even the sun will implode
And within its black hole I'll have to make my home

Oh they say whatever goes up must come down
But my balloon refused to believe such thinking was sound
He thought surely the helium had no way of escape
But to his horror he found himself beginning to deflate

I am the tire with a nail
Constantly in need of air
Just a few days without it
And its clear I'm not getting anywhere

I tend to make friends with caterpillars
Who all swear their affection will never change
But after a time I find them in a cocoon
Later the sight if their empty shell causes me pain

My emotions love to be lead around
By every pied piper who wonders into town
Blindly I follow the intoxicating sound
Indifferent that to others I look like clown

I am the toy in need of batteries
Once they start to drain its the end of me
But when new ones are put in I come back to life
But this dependency upon others is not alright

I am the kid making bubbles of thought
And only a handful of friends dare to make them pop
Reminding me that I am but a inch deep
Spread out over endless space like a sheet

I share an insight with some friends and they say "write a book!"
But I tell the same thing to others and get a puzzled look
My ideas then falls and shatter into pieces that do not fit
I look this way and that and under the rug I sweep it

I quickly build my speculative temples of thought
And I invite others to come and admire it like they ought
But the person who but breaths on it or gives it a gentle touch
Causes it to collapse and hopelessly I try to prop it back up

Oh every straw-man needs its match
Ever idol needs its head smashed
Every bubble needs to be burst
Every structure needs its ocean surge

Oh everyone, I am but a fool
how little do I actually know
I may give the impression of depth
But it never stands up to a test

For I can only remove one layer off an onion
And then I must move on to piling a different one
And I have piled up a mountain of them for all to see
But Jesus merely speaks and it is cast into the sea

My ideas are but a mist, its greatness has no width
Its all just a cardboard wall propped up with sticks
Yet still Lord I thank you for the ability to reason and think
though folly, it brings me joy and makes life fun and interesting

So y'all, don't just affirm, praise and build me up
I invite you to blow my card-houses down
I rather be right even by means of being shown I am wrong
Tis is better then spreading my nonsense around

Carried by a breeze heaven came for a visit
Through the newly budding trees
On to my face and down into my soul
Making everything right and good

There is a green only seen in spring
That wraps its arms around me
The flowers enrapture me
And make the world as it should be
The sounds, the feel, the smells and the beauty
create an emotion that I can't express in song

Lord thank you for this taste of heaven
Oh how it makes every part of me smile
God take me to where it is spring forever
Take me to that place where all things are new
Take me to where it is spring forever
Take me to the place where You are

Why did you wake me only to leave me?

In my grief I finally fell asleep
Finally my lonely heart was at peace

I no longer starred into space--missing you
Because you were in my dreams

The time of your absence was not felt
For every moment was absorbed into my unconscious

I wanted to just sleep until you returned
to awake to your face looking into mine

So why did you awake me only to leave?

You resurrected my hope and You reassured me
You raised my expectations only to leave me

So now I am back to waiting... aching...
Wishing that I could fall asleep again

Lord are you really emotionally attached?
Can You not get me out of your mind?
Around me does your thoughts constantly wrap?
Are you anxious for me to give you my time?

When I leave you out and pay you no mind
Does every moment feel drawn out into eternity?
Do you feel a deep ache in every bone and sinew
Does my every action dictate your mood?

Does our distance cause your heart pain too?
Are you as tired of the separation as me?
Do you hate my silence as much as I hate yours?
Do you wish I would finally say something?

If you really long for me
If you really desire me
If you really want me
then let it be expressed!
Don't hold it within!
Oh Lord I give you permission!
Lord shower me with your love
God hold nothing back

That perhaps my cold heart would be soften
And the cynical part of me would die
That perhaps I too could love in You such a way
And what was meant to be could be complete
Believing is seeing
This cliche actually has a deep meaning
Yet it does not matter
Whether there is truth in what we're believing

Belief can make clouds into familiar shapes
Belief can make mirages look like whatever we need
Belief only shines the spotlight on actors who spout what we think
Belief affirms the reliability of the propaganda that fits what we believe
Belief is the movie and our emotions behave as if it was all really happening

So Believing is seeing
but seeing proves nothing
but that we're indeed believing

My past observations form an artist within me
Who paints and brushes color upon present happenings
And with impressionistic details he shows me
A dark painting representing what my future will be

By miracle fires are lit
But there is not matches to try again
If by chance the fire goes out
there is no use adding logs and kindling

I guess I enjoy the warmth
I guess I allow myself to hope
I guess I see the fire is growing dim
One gust of wind and I'll never see it again

But no one has strength to swim for long against a current
Nothing is bound to last if it requires constant assistance
It takes two to have correspondence
And once the car breaks down there is not jump starting it

But maybe I should not hang on to this thought
And yet a thought is not something to be held
Its one of those mysterious non-material things
There is no safe in which I can lock them

It seems my thoughts are like paper
Carried by a breeze into a huge furnaces
I might run after them but they are always
One or two steps ahead of me

And yet like I said in the beginning of this song
Some of my past observations know how to paint
And like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
Are not swallowed up by the flames

they remain
They haunt me
They lay out my path
And say go this way or that

God its so hard to pray that you would do for her
What you still refuse to do for me

I try to think of what I can say
Suggested lines walk by my mental gaze
But every word is shot down without mercy

I try to force a few words out
But they are violently pulled back
by that part of me that feels
There is nothing you will do
That there is nothing I can trust you to do
By that part of me that fears
That you just don't care
That there's no way I can get you to hear

God what is wrong...
Whats going on?

I am tired of the band-aid
Why is that all you'll give?
Can't you heal me fully?

All the answers fall terribly short
And the pain killers eventually fade
Leaving me once again, disillusioned

God do you care?
Are you there?

What is wrong?
What is going on?

Little changes other then our age
We're all walking the same track
I'm just on lap twenty seven
But I'm yet to find much to give me hope
For some have passed lap fifty
And they don't seem any more close
To the destination

The only thing that is different
Is they have had the pleasure of experiencing
A little more heavy rain, sleet and snow
Hail and lightening that shakes us in our shoes
And the brutal sun with no clouds to shield one
from its ultra violet rays

I've shared my story and they know it well
They tell me that's just the way it is

No... No... don't tell me that

They've shared their story and I know it well
I am afraid that is just the way it is

No... No... please no
My little paradigm is completely out of line
But the truth don't mind
Because reality is what it is
Its quite stationary
Even if what I believe
Covered it in ink
I can't blot out one thing
except for these eyes
making my heart blind
So I can't see how much You love me

The mortar has already been poured
And I don't like where it lays
The ceramic pot is getting to hard to remake
And I dislike the abhorrent shape
To much salt is already mixed in the dough
And there is no extracting it

I am neck deep in past choices and beliefs
And as I try to wade out of this concrete
Everything I see, hear and feel solidifies
All of the past conclusions made in life
Countless confirmations confirm their truth
Though it all could be brash out and out lies

Oh I don't really like my frame of mind
The painting within is small and boring
I think I want to somehow start over
From a different perspective
With different set of rose colored glasses
With a different set of assumptions
So the culmination would be more grand
The other polar end of my current presentation

Just as old dogs can't learn new tricks
So all men are foreordained to become dogmatic
Hog-tide, unable to fit anything new within
Inept, unable to reshape or rearrange
If I must become perpetual static
I really would like to change the station
There is so much forming I want done
Before I become a immutable statue

Maybe it is altogether congenital
My personality predestined the present
Intrinsically placing the railroad in front of me
And I've never had a choice where I'm rolling
And yet maybe this is not the case
At least this is what I want to think
Oh but I've fallen out of the mold, solid and cold
Lord can you break me down and recreate me?

Even from a birdseye view one can only see
What is like one individual piece at a time
Of what is a global trillion piece puzzle
And at such a distance details can't fit in

Even from the perspective of the moon
One can only see the earth in 2D
Since it has no light of its own
Its dependent on nothing blocking the sunlight

We must either turn the study's globe about
Or make the world flat with paper and ink

The very thing that illuminate our world
Blinds us to the other worlds
We see far more of the universe at night
When the sun cannot be seen

To say the earth is flat is to merely state how things really seem
And common be honest it does not feel like the world is spinning
It really does look as if the sun is doing all the rising and setting
& tell how are we right side up if we are upside down on the globe?
How we're turning on an axis, twirling around the sun is beyond me

Without scientist, photos from space and the geniuses from our past
No doubt my conclusion would be the same as any people living in the middle ages

Only a few select extremely rare people get it and see that reality is not how it seems
And their discoveries enlighten all modern man, many of whom build upon their wisdom

But I am nothing special, I am among the thick headed, dense fools
Who sees God as indifferent, uninvolved and distant
When in reality God is intimate, concerned and entagled in everything

If the world is round and spinning, then we should be getting dizzy!
When we are in Australia the blood should be rushing to our head
How mysteriously nonsensical magnetic pulls and gravity sound to me
Yet what problems arise to think that the earth is indeed flat, for if so
Would not the world have to have an end? & on top of that upon what is it sitting?
And if it is sitting on something, what is the thing its sitting on sitting on?

Sometimes in accepting things for how the seem, we're creating a false reality
Which is fine and dandy until one starts to question, ponder and dig
Then we'll find an end to our logic and that it has nothing to sit on
Though the alternatives seems so odd, they somehow explain things

While I try to journey to the land of nod
Deep within my feet shards of glass peacefully sleep
Leading to a continually need for a position change
As signals of discomfort take hold and shake the brain

I twist and turn for what seems like an eternity
Eventually to awake surprised that I actually fell asleep
I escaped by something like an unsuspected faint
Only to awake to the aching muscles that must have stayed awake

As the sunsets so shell I lay down again
upon the hard bed with unbalanced springs
Which will end the day in a familiar misery
And the pain will wake up with me

The cement bench never gets softer
We can't get accustom to the spring nudging the back
There must either be a change in the circumstances
Or there must be the loss of feeling in order to find relief

We most often gladly choose the latter
Its the easiest way to deal with the pain
Just masking it and pretending it doesn't exist
While never changing the bed on which we rest

Mirror can you see?
Oh you only have eyes
When I am looking me

You've no choice in what you reflect
Whatever is in front of you
Is what you are forced to show

Oh but you can distort
Making the skinny look fat
Ruining a perfectly good day

You've also the power
to build someones self-esteem
by shrinking their belly

Oh mirror you can multiply
But by no means alone
There must be more then one of you
Or one of you shattered into many

Mirror I wish you would lie
You place in front of me reality
so I'll pretend I am looking at the mirror
While I sit and stair into the TV

Mirror you are so fragile
But unlike the one shaking the fist
you can brace yourself and handle
The most hateful and ugly face

Mirror I am quite glad you're no pervert
Less I be afraid to undress
But once again you are what you reflect
So I guess that is a nice compliment to me

Mirror you love to show me
my imperfections and my weakness
So I screamed 'stop judging'
And I throw an electric razor into your face
And for all the nerve you did not stop
You got me back by showing me even more of them

Mirror you make us look so vain
You act as a magnet to our face
We all continue to look and stair
What for? Oh that we can't explain
Do we hope if we look long enough
Maybe something about our appearance change?
We try to find the perfect angle and smile
Where we think we are the best looking
Then we grab a camera and try to repeat it
and go and upload it to some online dating place
So all the potential prospects will be deceived

I cannot offer light unless I am plugged in
Yet even if I am connected
The right person must turn me on
But for most, their world is already bright
So yeah, why would they want my light?
So I am left unnoticed except for the eight legged creatures
Making their wonderful works of art on me

Some people try flipping the switch
When there is no electricity flowing through me
So after a few clicks they leave
I can't blame them though; I'd do the same thing

Sometimes I am the button that sparks curiosity
But it's only moments after I am pushed in
That they realize they don't like my light
And loose interest like children with a.d.d.

Sometimes I need my mind renewed
Like the lamp besides my bed needs a new bulb
Sometimes in the removing, the glass part shatters
Leaving a mess and the metal part screwed in
Making it no longer a easy operation for the hands
But instead something in need of a special tool and patience

If I ever was to find pride in the intensity of my light
I would just need one glimpse of the sun and I'd not feel so bright
I am only one part of the house with a limited purpose
When everything in the house reflexes the sunlight
I should not clamor for attention
But wait, for in time they'll be turning to me

For months I've been at a place without electricity
While here, can I shine? No, itís just not within me
With no energy rushing through my vains
The how to manuals become quite meaningless to me

Now at times I been at places with electricity
But my wire lies in several severed pieces
And this, I want everyone else to see
so they would stop commanding me
to stop complaining and to 'just do it'
Claiming that the power to shine is in me

When I am melancholy and depressed over the fact that I am not working
It could be a bad bulb, wiring or the lack of power among other things
Yet the church pays very little attentions to how somethings are slightly complicated
How there is not one 'fits all' seminary answer that would fix me
My light bulb is a rare one not found at your neighborhood wal-mart
The few places that do carry it, hardly ever have it in stock

All I can say is Ďfirst things firstí Lord
If Your life is not flowing through me
How on earth do you expect me to be the light of the world
Illuminating that narrow pathway leading to Your life?

Even if I was a different kind of lamp
One that runs on oil or on batteries
Still I would be dependent upon
Something that is outside of me

Apart from you Lord I am worthless
Other than being some decoration in a home
During the day I may look antique and nice
But the real purpose of a lamp is to shine

I look at the world and I see people trying to be the biggest lamp
Or to have the coolest shades, but for what? No one is plugged in!
Oh but in their darkness, they are unable to see this
But maybe if a few of us were shining
The light bulb would come on above their brain
And they would began see they're living outside of their design
And that Jesus is life force that would give them purpose and meaning

"We are hard-wired in our ways
Pre-programmed in how we go through our days

Like puppets we're attached to strings
And the mysterious one pulling them does not like change

Like water we fall the easiest way down
With gravities pull we keep sinking in the ground

Oh Lord how long can you hear sighs
and not answer our cry for freedom?

Freedom to be who You want us to be
This is called liberty and by Your grace It's given to all who believe

So why are we the exception?"

Our bright ideas have turned into a black hole
Swallowing our life, excitement and our creativity whole

We've created a light so bright that our real world now seems a dim gray
Oh the folly of the mountain of possibilities were creating since we hate climbing

Our interaction with people is now spread out over the whole globe
But the depth of the communication could not be more shallow

Today we have kids in theme parks complaining that they are bored
When they're parents make suggestions, they insist this place is stupid
Yet when our grandparents were young they could get lost in play
Making the most the grass, the dirt, the stones, the trees and the stream

Those who live in the country moan "If I only lived in the city where there is stuff to do"
While those in the city gripe that there is no cool way to past the time in this place
We've accumulated so many things that it has now all become utterly uninteresting
The only things that captures our desire is what we should not have and whats out of reach

It's like we've bought for ourselves fifty six bananas
And by the next day they're all ripe but we only feel like eating one
The following day they are past that point of enjoyment
Before we know it they are rotting and calling for the flies

We are the culture that created A.D.D
With the TV, video games, entertainment and movies
Somehow these have made everything else extremely uninteresting
And thus these past times have become to us a sort of cocaine

If we don't feel like doing, listening or engaging, we refuse
But at times to our dismay there is nothing we feel like doing
So we call it boredom as if we just needed more to do, but it is more like stupidity
For there is endless possibilities, we're just undisciplined and lazy

You've never been stained
Never has one thought strayed
Never one desire unclean
From forever past you are Holy

Love and mercy, justice and compassion, wisdom and Your grace
Are in no short supply for they are part of Your very Being

For You to do good is like for me to breath
For You to do justice is like for me to blink
For You to love is like for my heart to beat

Oh Lord but I live in a messed up world
And it is shades over my eyes
God I want to experience You without this filthy filter
For Your pure water must flow through these filthy pipes

Lord I am so use to Your seeming absence
That I no longer look for Your interaction
I even forget to ask You "How You doing?"
Because I no longer can expect a reply

So whats with Your being so loving
And wanting to have this intimate relationship
When my experience is that You always play hard to get
And only in rare moments do you make yourself evident

Oh for the day when I will finally get to see You with my eyes
No more veil, no more lies, no more misunderstands clouding my sight
Then I will finally KNOW you are holy,
my faith will no longer be blind
For Your goodness will overwhelm me
We are the stiff dirty gloves, that His clean hand fills and uses for His purposes.
We are the rusty gunk coated pipes, that His pure water flows through.
Gods Words spoken to us are clothed in our inner voice and personality,
and when He speaks through us to others, it is the same type of thing.
He works through us, but His action do not come out pure and clean
because it must be filtered through you and me.

God rarely work independently,
but instead through something like a burning bush or a donkey or some crazy dream.
God is the perfect head and we are the retard body,
and we byJove look and act retarded no matter what the head tells us to do.
Yet he refuses to work apart from us,
though this means to go the slow route and to have the masses doubting His existence.
"You are enough like the great Michigan lakes
But what is that to me in New Orleans when I need a drink?
All You do is cloaked in me
No wonder it seems l am trying in my own strength
But the bigger reason for this kind of thinking
Is all my efforts don't seem to be working

Yet as I stop and I think
I've done very little praying
Very little trying
Very little seeking
For apathy has lived in me

But God when I don't care
would You care through me?
oh but in the end it would still feel like me
For I could not know if it was You caring through me
Or If I just cared all along because I was having a good day
And that is how I tend to be when I am having a good day

The bad desires in me light fuses
They set the mind and once the mind is set on something
Well lets just say there seems to be no unsetting it
So I have that in common with all the drug addicts
But I know the only One who can set us free
So what is up with this, still being a slave to me?

If I was on the outside
It would be easier to hope
But I am a insider
And I still have serious needs

Its like being on a diet program
and yet I am still gaining weight
Uh am I now suppose to convince others
To join the program with me?

How can I look at an addict
And say "God can set you free"
When I've cried, prayed, plead and bagged
And God has still left me waiting?

I really don't have any other hope
But how this hope been deterred so many times

God what on earth am I doing wrong?
What have I not prayed?
What on earth am I doing wrong?
What do you expect from me?

Don't tell me there is nothing I can do
There must be a way to get through to You
Don't tell me there is nothing I can do
This desire for You needs to continue"

God You are so far beyond us
That anything I say would all seem like foolishness
God You are so other
There is no way to describe Your greatness
And the word greatness is not all that great
As we search for a word, but there is no word in our vocabulary
For You Lord, You're beyond description no words capture who You are

When I looked at the insects and the mammals
The fish and the birds in the sky
And when I see the glories of nature
and how these wonders I cannot describe

How if I can't find words to expound on
The intricate design and beauty
The creativity and brain hurting complexity
Then how could I expect to describe the Creator of these things?
This is the difficulty I have with praising God!

But if we really don't have a heavenly language
Then with our empty words God must be satisfied

Hmm... mere words are meaningful when combined
with awe, delight, joy and excitement
Words are just the bones and emotions is the meat
Neither are meant to be alone
But together they are a beautiful thing!

"When I see a couch
I think of the place I always choose to sleep
When I have a high temp
I think of a place I sink in
And enjoy wonderful talks with friends
A place where its a little easier to listen
And to pay attention
To what is not at all interesting

When I see a couch
I think of a place that holds in what stinks
And preserves every stain for all to see
I think of the treasure underneath
And all the times it has stolen my keys
pens and many other precious things
I remember the times I've tipped it over
For my mom when she would sweep

When I see a couch
I think of something that can't handle to much weight
Something that is not meant for eight
Or else the arms began to falter and grow weak
And now this is why Steve
Does not want one in a house where there is a team
Though I feel this is quite the shame
I know the why behind what he is thinking

When I see a couch
I think of how king David made one wet from tears
And of the times I buried my head
Curled up and did the same thing
I am blessed to have one in my abode
It was reject by one and passed on to me
I think I ought to now stop writing
And sit on it with something to read

When I see a couch
I see the first place I unload my stuff
A place where I sort my junk
Where clothes pile up and up
I see that though I want to sit and read
there is so much I need to move
That the motivation is just not within
To make room for a book and me

When I see a couch
I am remind how sore I can get
And how even in the mist of comfort
I must constantly change how I sit
How even when I get to choose to be lazy
that its no ticket to being happy
For joy is not found in a cushion
Nor satisfaction in a fluff filled seat
The mind has eyes
The heart is blind

The mind constructs a safe way to see things
The heart only knows how things are suppose to be

The mind knowing of no escape resigns to living in captivity
The heart will hear nothing of it and demands to be free

The mind knows that life and joys are temporary
The heart knows not of death but only of immortality

The mind grows old
The heart stays young

The mind swells with knowledge of reality
The heart stays ignorant to earthly things

So within me I find a battle
Some angst and conflict

For the mind has tried to adjust itself to earth
But the heart is forever heaven bent

So within me I find a battle
Some angst and conflict

For the mind expecting hell wants to become therein content
All the while the heart desires paradise and thus leaves my soul in anguish

Oh Lord I am not home yet
I have desires that must still go unmet
Oh Lord how fleeting have been the moments
that I've said "This is really it!"
They were all a taste of another world
Reminders that I am not home yet